Women Over 50 - What not to Wear -
WTF? Someone making rules again???

February 2015

From pink shirts (ooops) and bedazzled tank tops and tees (I have lots of them - easy to dress and run) leopard print (I have 1/2 a clothing rack) sparkly pants (if I get this weight off - I am buying a pair) No oversized sunglasses (I wear $600 trifocals that fit in this category) no blue eyeshadow (go to hell! - I wear black and gray - or green or white or blue - whatever matches my mood)

No shorts (!!!) no comment - my "show girl" legs haven't failed me yet.

No short skirts - If and when I can pull on panty hose (excuse me - now we call them leggings) I will wear shorter skirts if I want to.

Knees, armpits and cleavage should be covered? Oh hell no! Fat is beautiful. OK - so I need to diet again. But my knees are fine......

No thigh-high boots. Oh hell yes. If I can find a pair to fit - they would go nicely with my dominatrix leather set. The set is size 16 - I am a size 20 headed downward. It's all over once I zip the skirt back together!

No necklaces and chains --- well that just attacked my 7 jewelry boxes. Go to hell baby. I wear chains. And men notice. Probably because they are bouncing off my chest. Which is still perky. All the benefits of the reduction surgery did not stay but that part did.

Scarf to hide the neck. I did that for years to cover the scar. (Thyroid tumor) Now that the wrinkles cover the scar I gave that up.

Low heels --- I never went for 3 and 4" heels and the new 5 and 6"? Are you insane? No one under 30 should wear them! 2 1/2 inch - yes. I love the classic pump.

No scrunchies or clips or whatever to call attention to our hair. I have drawers of clip-ins with sparkly bits. My hair is just fine. Who made this idiocy up?

No oversized purses - how else do you shop when you forgot your recycle bags? Carry a lap top to a writer's meeting? Emergency diaper bag. For you not a baby.

"The goal for the over-50 woman is to look classy and classic, with just a little touch of personality. A pencil skirt with a leather jacket or a crisp white shirt set off with a statement clutch or an attention-grabbing cuff bracelet. A black dress that can go from church to cocktail party with a change of shoes and accessories and a wrap dress to showcase your breasts and hips in the best possible way" Someone quoted this - I don't know who wrote it originally. They are probably out hanging their head. Or heads.

No way in hell! - that was the work place uniform when I was a corporate director. And didn't know any better! Now I am interested in directing my waist.

Wear warm colors. Does a pink lace bra count? I don't know what a "warm" color is. When the temp hits 85 degree WITH air conditioning, warm is not a word youo have in your vocabulary.

Get an updated haircut. WTF does that mean? Short hair makes me resemble my mother. No way! Long hair can be combed over the worry lines. It can also distract from any make up mistakes. Like worn off. Eaten off. Etc. Or sleepy eyes. I may grow it out and sit on it. I embrace bangs.

No eyeshadow? My eyes vanish. Until I save up for a face-lift I prefer the camoflauge.

No red lipstick? I wear ROSE. Or an orange tint. Depends on the color top I am in. Lip Plumper is required! GLOSS always.

And so it goes. Rules rules rules.

We are, at over 50, evidently not to wear anything fun. Not to attract attention to our scraggly ass bodies.

Someone years ago bitched that women of a certain age should stop wearing hoop earrings - I have a jewelry box full and some of them are very expensive. And large.

Well - I am 73 and someone forgot to tell me I had all these rules.

Past 65 honey - there are no rules.

I find myself in a muumuu and barefoot and maybe panties. Or shorty PJs. Or a flannel nightgown. With 6 clothing racks of beautiful clothes (none of which follow the rules) upstairs.

I take out the trash and do yard work in this getup. I have been known to open doors......

Even in curlers and an old orange beat up bathrobe which is better than the 6 new ones.

So far - I have dressed up to do the shopping. Usually.

WTF?

I WEAR WHAT IS COMFORTABLE!!!!!! AND WHAT I FEEL LIKE WEARING!

Mom jeans hold dog treats with room for the beagles to stick their heads in the pockets and fetch their own treats!

Backless shoes reduce bone growth in the heel of your foot.

Oversized sneakers make bunions comfortable.

Tunics now come "oversized" and "longer" to cover your butt (smart move QVC!)

Want a step up for a muumuu - or the muumuu is in the washing? Maxi dresses!

Unless you live in a house with stairs - then you could trip and break your neck.

"Shaper" tank tops in larger then needed sizing so you can skip a bra and not freak out the UPS guy

Bike shorts

Those two items can even go to the grocery store. In a pinch.

I prefer jeans when transporting beagles.

Washable everything.

If I manage to get fitted into a bra that fits I am considering a plunging neckline.

Or maybe do what they did on the red carpet - let it all hang low. (Yeah - the damn things grew back, are lopsided in the other direction and slid down. Still perky however.)

I guess the natural look is in......good.

Actually that's great. Bra bands restrict your breathing when have an asthma attack.

I assume they would also mess up a heart attack.

However ---- always do your face - foundation, concealer, blush, eyeshadow and eye liner and mascara
(colors should match whatever shade your skin has picked for the day)

Run your fingers through your hair and fluff it so you look like you just got out of bed. Dye the roots & remove the word gray from your vocabulary - then you don't need to worry about what you have on.

Just be sure you have something on. The mind gets so easily distracted.